Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The One That Gets Personal

When I started blogging I always knew I would write this post.  I kept putting it off because I couldn't find the right words & was scared of laying it all out there.  This week it has been heavy on my heart to sit down, let God guide, & type out this story.  I am writing this for 2 reasons. 
1- For you, Brynn.  To know you were well worth the wait.  
2- For anyone who is where we were to know, you are not alone. 

No, we do not have the most heart wrenching story.  No, I don't want or need sympathy. For those that have tried longer than a year, with different results, I am praying for you.  This is a struggle I would wish on no one.

Let's go back to the beginning. In September of 2011 we decided to grow our family.  In January, I had my yearly appointment & told my doctor we had been trying to get pregnant.  She told me to come see her if nothing had happened by March.  And wouldn't you know...March 1st that precious little test read positive! That weekend was my mom's birthday so we gave her a bib that said, "I love my Grandma." We told our immediate family, but wanted to wait until our 1st appointment to share with everyone. 

That Monday I called my doctor & they made me an appointment for 9 weeks later.  I asked if I needed to do blood work.  The nurse said no, I thought that was strange.  A week later I wasn't feeling right.  I called the nurse & told her what was going on, & she so casually said "you're probably having a miscarriage." And to call back in a few days if I was worried. 


I told her I wanted to do blood work (because we all know I am NOT patient) to be sure.  I mean, that's kinda a big deal to be in limbo about for a few days.  I got the results while I was at school (I was teaching in Brownfield at the time.  I basically ran out the door crying & my incredible principal & co-teachers took over for me.  I don't even know if they knew what was going on now that I think about it.)

So I had had a miscarriage.  Yes, we were only pregnant for 6 weeks.  Yes, I only knew for 2 weeks. No, that doesn't make the heartache any less.  If you've been there, which I pray to haven't, you know.  

I was devastated.  We cried, prayed, & read the Word.  Thank goodness it happened before Spring Break. That whole week I pretty much laid on the couch & cried my eyes out.  Everything made me cry.  I majorly lost it when Jonathan's egg roll fell on the floor.  You know, the sad stuff. 

It was pain like I'd never known. Jonathan was wonderful.  He was so strong & patient.  Our family & friends prayed us through.  They sent gifts, cards, prayers, texts. They cried with us & helped us laugh.  For those who stood next to us, we still remember the light you brought to some pretty dim days.  

God saw us through.  I've always tried to look on the bright side.  To look for the things God does for us & teaches us.  After the miscarriage, I was in the Word like never before.  I was praying & desperate for Jesus everyday.  The song, "All This Time" by Britt Nicole came out a few months later.  I claimed it as mine.  The words were spot on for this season of my life.  

             I remember the moment, I remember the pain
                           I was only a girl, but I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone
I was doing my best, trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You

All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I

Ever since that day, it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story

I felt so alone.  Even though I was surrounded by support, I knew NO ONE who had recently or was currently  going through what we were.  I kept telling Jonathan that this wasn't right.  That I was SURE someone, somewhere, maybe even a friend, was going through this too.  I saw the posts on Facebook with friends getting pregnant & it was all I could do not to go into a jealous rage. So we kept it private.  I mean who wants to write that status: "Umm, guys, I need a lot of sympathy right now...anyone with me??" Just not something you want to do.  

We started trying again.  5 more months go by with nothing but disappointment. It was now September 2012.  It had been 1 year & no baby.  

Then God started revealing his plan.  I started working at Rush & got the BEST grade level team.  God put me with them for a reason. They spent many conference & planning periods giving me encouragement.  I love you Leigh & Christa! Long story short (HA-Yeah right! I'm sure that's what you're thinking...I like to type out every little detail of every little story...) they (and a few other friends, shout-out Lauren!) convinced me to talk to my doctor about my concerns.  I called to make an appointment with her & she wasn't available but we could talk to the PA.  We went to the appointment & it was awful.  She didn't listen to any of my concerns, our family history, what I wanted to do.  She was rude & impatient.  She basically gave me a LOOOONNGG list of procedures & tests we could run.  None of which were what I knew I wanted to do.  So we left her office & I found a new doctor.  

*If you do not trust your doctor or their staff.  GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. 
 Have I said that before?* 

Through the referral of a family friend I got into see Dr. Suit. 
I. Love. Her. 

My 1st appointment with her was October 8th. She talked with me, cried with me, listened to my concerns & was on my side.  By October 19th I was having surgery. I had a laparoscopy to see & remove any endometriosis.  Sure enough, it was enough to cause me some serious problems.  

This is how awesome Dr. Suit is....She knew how devastated I was by the whole process that she asked if we wanted to see a fertility specialist.  We said yes & we went to Dr. Huang on December 1st.
We. Loved. Him. 

He talked us through all of our options & then wanted to do an ultrasound.  While I waited for him to come into the room, I saw a birth announcement with this scripture. In that moment I was at complete peace.

As he was doing the ultrasound he kept nodding his head & smiling.  I thought that was a good sign.  As we were leaving he said, "I hope you never need to see me again." I think he knew something we didn't know.  Because a few weeks later, I was pregnant! Looking back...I think he could tell on that ultrasound but didn't mention it unless it miscarried again. How awesome is that? I think it's a lot awesome.  

Thankfully our story took an incredibly happy turn.  We got our precious Brynn.  
Baby Girl, when you read this, read it knowing it was all worth it.  Every tear. Every midnight prayer.  
We love you more than you know.

I write ALL of this to say...if you are here...
I knew I wanted to share our story.  I have become an open book about it.  I will share with anyone who might benefit from hearing.  The more I talk about it, the more I realize just how many people struggle to get pregnant.  I honestly think its more the norm.  Which is comforting, yet terribly sad.  

Speaking of comfort (smooth transition, right?) 

2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

God knows what He's doing.  

I don't know why I forget that.  Because even though this was not the most fun & happy time in our life, it was preparing us to be a comfort to others.   

 Not long after we were getting used to the idea that we were actually pregnant, we were given the chance to offer comfort to our best friends.  Yes, our best friends, The Hoods, were walking the path we had.  When I got that text from Landon saying they were at the hospital my stomach dropped.  I couldn't believe it was happening to them too.  I wanted to run & hug my best friend.  To make it all better for her.  I knew what they were in for & made it my goal to comfort them as best as I could.  
Who knows, maybe I just really bothered her, but she's still my friend so I guess I wasn't too overbearing.  
And in true glorious God form, they were soon pregnant again.  And I can't imagine life without Brynn's energetic, smiley, beautiful & perfect best friend Elizabeth! 
The Garners love The Hoods!

God is good. Amen? 

So there it is.  All out there in the open.  Yikes.  
God do your thing. 

Thanks for reading, 

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