Thursday, May 1, 2014

Guilt Trip

*Let me preface this by saying...This blog is in NO way written as a complaint, merely as me making a realization and wondering if maybe I'm not the only one in this boat.*

Being a mom is hard.  Duh. I know.

I was "warned" about the tiring days & the lack of sleep.  But, no one told me how hard it would be mentally & emotionally (maybe I should have guessed).  I want this blog to reflect our "real life" and not just the pretty portion.  I've been wanting to write a post about this for a while & I think today's circumstances give me a great excuse. 

I'm sure most of you have seen that this morning I locked Brynn in the car.  It was a weird day to begin with.  I was off my routine & could just not get my brain to function.  I should have known something was coming since I took the remote to bed last night thinking it was Brynn's matter how hard I pressed the buttons I couldn't get that screen to turn on!  😳 This morning I drove past Taco Villa twice before I could actually remember to turn in.  I got to school, got out of the car, got the stroller, locked the car, and closed the door. Cause that's what I normally do?? As I was closing the door I realized what I was doing and it only closed enough to where I could get my fingers between the door & the car.  Apparently I did not have enough adrenaline going because as hard as I tried I could NOT pull that door open.  I had a panic moment (my phone was locked in too) then had to figure something out! And then God did his thing.  Someone pulled into the parking lot that I knew & I used her phone to call Jonathan.  He raced home from work to get the spare key.  And the awesome director at SNS, Mrs. Kaci, came to stand in the cold with me so I wouldn't freak out! Brynn did great.  She sneezed several times and had some major snot action that I really wish I could have taken care of, but she was her normal content self.  We got her out & went on with our day.  Even though I don't think my heart stopped racing until lunch. 

Do I think she will be scared for life because of this? No, obviously.  Will worse things happen? I'm sure, but let's not discuss that right now.  Am I beating myself up over it? No, because I know it was an accident.  But it is just one more thing that I feel guilty about.

Maybe it's just me but I am constantly wracked with "mommy guilt." God has given me the opportunity to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) & my husband works incredibly hard to help make that happen.  So every morning when he is up getting ready for work I feel guilty if I'm not up & going (and no, he does nothing to make me feel this way - I bring this on myself).  If we have to run errands I feel guilty because I think maybe Brynn should be home playing instead.  If I ask Jonathan to stay home & watch her because I need to run an errand...guilty. If I run to switch the laundry & leave Brynn in the living room...guilty.  If I'm checking Instagram instead of watching her in her bouncer...guilty.  When she has an eczema breakout...guilty.  On Monday when I forgot to give her a bottle at lunch...still feel guilty.  And the list goes on.  

I know this is something that I bring on myself.  I'm not bogged down by this 24/7 but it definitely messes with my mind.   And the only thing I can do is give it to God.  To pray about it and let Him consume my thoughts.  

My Aunt Mitzi sent me a Facebook message after I shared about Brynn's eczema & I told her how mad at myself I was for letting it get so bad.  And her words were a true blessing to me that day & now.   I hope it's ok that I'm sharing this, Aunt Mitzi! 
"sweet will not be the last time you don't "realize" something earlier. That is what helps us remember that we are human and very imperfect. That is what makes God's forgiveness all the more sweeter."

So tonight I will watch some Neflix, rest, say a prayer, and wake up to God's newest mercies. How sweet it is to start over new EVERY day.  

I posted this a few days ago from Proverbs 31 Ministries...I'm almost positive this will become my constant prayer
Dear Lord, I want to invite You into my home right now. Fill this place with Your spirit. I'm desperately dependent on You and am asking for Your help to do this mothering thing right. Help me to walk in humble confidence that You, Lord, will equip me to be the mom these kids need. Hush Satan’s accusations and condemnations so my prayers will never be hindered. In Your Holy Name, Amen.

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